I used to be very content. I used to be extremely happy with my life and the way I turned out. I used to be a visionary, always looking at what I could do next and attempt to achieve what most people would say was impossible.
Over the space of four months, I’ve seen myself go from one of the happiest people on the planet, to one of the saddest.
Depression is a pretty horrible place, when you live your day to day life wanting to be anywhere else except in you own body, when you sit at home doing nothing or going out for a walk in no general direction just because you hate the feeling of stillness, or feeling like you don’t belong in any particular place or in a circle of any particular people.
When you feel alienated from your closest friends and even your family, trying to speak to them how you used to speak to them but instead all that comes out is just murmurs, whispers and the occasional grunt just to let them know that you’re still alive.
4 months ago one of the best things happened to me, I finally found a boyfriend. I found somebody that I truly cared about and apparently he seemed to like me back for a short time. We became inseparable and did everything together, from playing video games until 4am, going to parties or just chilling out together, I loved every second that I was with that boy. Then problems started, little things started brewing and then were all bought to the surface. 4 months later I found myself alone, with a large debt, a broken heart, and nobody to speak to.
When you kill off your past life to pursue somebody who you value far greater than yourself, you build a dependancy on that person, they’re the only thing that matter to you, they’re the only thing in the world that seems real and they’re the only person that no matter how bad the arguments get - they’re the only person who you want to spend time with. When that person then breaks up with you, everything around you crashes and burns to the ground. I feel like I can’t focus on my work on a day to day basis, I can’t eat properly, I can’t sleep properly. All I seem to do is just sit around feeling sorry for myself, smoking to calm my nerves and crying when I don’t think anybody can hear me.
Then you replay everything over in your head, all the mistakes you made, all the arguments that occurred over the time, all of the incredible memories that you shared together. Then you think that that person is going to do all of that all over again with somebody else, and it sickens you.
I’m a very jealous person, I got jealous when somebody liked my ex boyfriends photo on instagram, I used to check everybody who liked it, looked through the list to make sure there wasn’t anybody suspicious on there who he could pick over me. Everytime he got a text on the phone I gave him, I’d ask who it was and then get really shitty when he said it was another boy. I loved him so much that I completely neglected my trust for him. I never fully believed that he loved me.
Another one of my problems was going to other people for advice rather than trusting my own instinct. I would constantly go to my friends and family and tell them about a situation that happened and get an outside opinon on it, it changed the way I thought about my (at the time) boyfriend and it made me incredibly paranoid. Was he using me? Was he manipulating me to get what he wants? Is he leading me on a downward spiral?
After so much going through my head, I decided that no, maybe it wasn’t him. Maybe it was my paranoia and lack of trust in the person who mattered most to me in the entire world. I will never forgive myself.
If you’re reading this, then I’m really sorry for everything that I’ve put you through, I want you to know that I’m sorry and ashamed for who I’ve become since I’ve known you, it’s not your fault and I’d do anything to have you back. I’m so sorry.